Those unlucky people who have been dating people with low self-esteem could probably give you more than 10 reasons why you should be careful. Sounds harsh or mean? But that’s the reality, unfortunately, people with low self-esteem are damaging everything around them. They may even pose a threat to your mental health if you are friends with or dating such a person.
Most people think that they can help. But the truth is that you can’t. You might think that the person you are currently dating had bad relationships in the past. That it was the fault of that other person for not being able to help. But the truth is that no one can help a person with low self-esteem. Only that person can work on fixing the problem. But the thing is, they don’t want to work on their flaws.
There is a difference between the feeling of insecurity and low self-esteem. For example, at some point in life, you might think you haven’t achieved enough goals – that’s insecurity. A person who feels insecure will eventually do something to improve a situation. “I’ve gained a lot of weight, I’m not attractive” – an insecure person would go to the gym and fix the diet, or say “Screw it, not everyone has to be skinny, I’m still attractive”.
The person with low self-esteem won’t do anything to improve the situation. These people keep saying how unattractive. They want everyone around them to reassure them that “No, you’re not fat, you’re attractive”. And these conversations will keep occurring.
If you are currently dating someone with low self-esteem, you might be thinking about what to do. You’re probably thinking that it’s cruel of you to end these relationships. But here are some reasons why you don’t want to date such a person. Read carefully, most likely, you will find that all the situations described below are happening in your life right now.
They are jealous
We all know that jealousy is a beast and should be killed. Jealousy isn’t healthy, trustful relationships are the way to go. But not for people with low self-esteem. Do spend time with your friends? Do you love hanging out with your co-workers after a workday is over? Do you get invited frequently to your parents’ house for dinner? Well, be well-prepared for a tantrum!
Your low self-esteem girlfriend or boyfriend will make you feel bad for spending time with other people. Even though they have no reasons to be worried, they will be. The moment they feel a threat from someone else who has your attention, they will lose it. In their earnest opinion, you have to cut everyone from your life and focus on your partner. And they don’t care if it makes you miserable.
They keep saying they love you but they don’t
How can someone love you, if they don’t even love themselves? How could these people even know how to love? Sure, it may sound cruel, but that’s the truth. They love it that you spend time with them, give them an ego boost, and keep reassuring them that you love them. But ask yourself a question – do you really feel that they love you? Or they just love the fact that they have someone to suck the life from?
Obviously, your attention is not enough. No matter how many times you say “You are attractive, you are smart, you are not a loser, you work hard, it’s your boss’s fault he can’t see your effort”, they will keep seeking other people’s attention. Do you really think it’s a dream relationship when you aren’t allowed to dine with your friends or family members, while your partner has to flirt with everyone around to get attention?
They drag you down to their level
You could be successful in life, you may have lots of friends and excellent communication skills. You have a nice job and you keep improving your skills. You obviously work hard to achieve goals. But your partner is most likely not as hard-working as you are.
Instead of keeping up with your pace, like most people would want to behave, they will try dragging you to their level. Relationships are all about equality right? But why working hard when they can just make sure you are at their level? If you dine with your co-workers or even your boss to make connections, your partner will feel jealous. They will make you feel guilty for doing that, so you might want to stop dining with your colleagues.
If you are trying to work on your body shape in the gym, your partner with weight problems won’t join you. They will make you leave the gym because you don’t spend enough time together. Clearly, you can’t spend time together in the gym, right? If you have signed up for some classes, like language or cooking classes, they will make you leave, because again, you don’t spend enough time together.
Do you see the pattern? They aren’t interested in your progress, they want you to dedicate all your life to be miserable together. It’s easier to do nothing and keep complaining about lack of progress.
They could love seeing you suffer over them
If you leave your friends, stop working on your career, etc., all because of them, they feel worthy. It’s twisted logic, but it makes them happy. They see you facing struggles in life because of them, and it makes them feel worthy. Do you really want such relationships?
They enjoy other people’s failures
We all have our ups and downs, but when our loved ones are happy and achieve some great goals, we are happy. Of course, there could be a slight hint of jealousy, but that’s just for a short moment. Not in the case of people with low self-esteem. They feel joy when someone fails. When they aren’t successful, they don’t want anyone else to be successful. Someone’s happiness will make them lose their shit, while someone’s failure makes them happy.
They keep seeing criticism in every word
If your partner keeps complaining about having excessive weight, you might genuinely try to help. For example, you can point out that eating chips without spending those calories is not a great idea. But your partner will hear “You eat chips while you’re fat and lazy because you don’t immediately go to the gym to spend the calories”.
If they say they can’t find a job and you point out that they should send a CV, it sounds reasonable to you. Of course, how can someone find a job without even creating a CV and sending it to 100+ companies? But your partner hears “You are lazy and dumb”. And you wanted to help, right? How on earth can someone help when these people don’t need help?
They are very negative and it drains people
Of course, we can complain. Lack of sleep because of work and studying, some failures, misunderstanding, we all want to complain and receive support. Even talking about some things already helps – we can’t hold everything. But some people complain about everything.
Ask yourself, does your partner complain about every little detail? Do they even try fixing some things so these problems won’t occur in the future? Or they are just plain negative without any significant reasons?
If you’re not sure whether the person is negative, analyze your conversations. Does this person ask you about your day just once in a while? Or another thing, are you discussing your problems? Or you feel like it will make them upset so you don’t even try? And if the answers to most of these questions are “yes”, think if you really need such a partner.
Terrible at communicating
There is no such thing as a relationship without conflicts. We argue with our parents, kids (if any), friends, relatives, loved ones, etc. But the key to healthy relationships is voicing out troubles and having conversations. You are not happy that your partner keeps leaving the toothbrush where it’s not supposed to be? Talk about it! You don’t like that your partner doesn’t even help with washing the dishes? Talk about it!
Talking really works. How else would someone figure out that you aren’t satisfied with something? We do not mind readers. Not everyone can understand hints. The best way is to calm down and voice your opinion. Your partner will listen to you and try to do as you want.
When we love someone we try to make this person happy, right? Especially if it doesn’t cost us anything. What’s difficult about putting a toothbrush where it’s supposed to be? Or washing the dishes when you came from work sooner than your partner? Easy!
But the problem with low self-esteem people is that, like mentioned above, they think you are criticizing them. When you are trying to voice your opinion, they think you are picking on them. They think you are cruel, and reasonable arguments just won’t work. While some couples talk and work hard to understand each other, it’s different for couples where one of them is with low self-esteem. They lack communication skills.
You deserve to be happy
You can be a kind person who wants to help. You may love your partner with low self-esteem. But will you be happy? Think about it for a moment and try to predict what happens in a month, half a year, a year. Will the situation improve? Analyze their behavior and actions, do they even try to improve the situation? Do they listen to you? Or they do literally nothing to improve the situation?
If they do nothing, then you won’t help. As a reasonable person you are, you know that only working on your flaws helps. Moreover, only them can change their life. You can’t do their job. You can’t change their lives or personalities. They can improve and receive help only if they realize that they have problems. But why are you supposed to suffer? You might think you’re selfish, but what’s selfish about wanting to be happy.
You deserve to be happy and that’s the reality. You don’t have to deal with someone’s issues when they don’t even try to improve things. You won’t help if people think the world owes them something while they do nothing. You don’t have to waste your time and be miserable.
You might even think that you breaking up with them would help. That it would be like a wake-up call. But the truth is it won’t. They will blame everyone around them but themselves. Being in a relationship with someone who has such an attitude won’t make you happy. Only when they truly realize that they have problems they can help themselves. You won’t help. But you deserve to be happy. And probably, without a partner with low self-esteem.
Sandra Manson is a passionate journalist who has been contributing to major media publications. She enjoys writing about human psychology and lifestyle, as well as the esports industry. Sandra also runs her blog datingjet.com where she covers topics of great interest in modern society.